Today I went to Chase get a cashier check to pay rent. First I went to the ATM to withdraw money and as I stood there, I lowered my hand and found a white cell phone. Galaxy S3. My withdrawal was denied cause I was trying to take out too much at once so I went to the car with the phone and told my mom I found a phone. Put the phone down, got my id, and went into Chase. As I stood at the window I head a man say to the teller…
"Why not so well? Well. I woke up this morning and found that someone hit my car overnight. Back in my day if you did that you would leave a note. No note or anything, but a huge dent in my car and it’s all scratched up. In two days I have to go to New York, and it’s freezing over there. I already hate New York and now I have to go….*murmur murmur*" …….
I stopped listening after a bit but the general consensus was that this guy was having a rough time, just like me. I looked back at the guy and went about my transaction and left. When we got out to the car something clicked. I asked my mom for the phone and looked at the pic of a man and his son. I opened the gallery on the cell phone and the last images were of a car that had been hit. I jumped out of the car and found the man who was having a bad time. I asked, “are you the guy whose car got hit this morning?” He said, “Mine? did my car get hit? Yes, yes it did.” I raised the phone up and asked, “Is this your phone?” OH MY GOD!!! he nearly shouted!
"What is happening?" he said," This is crazy! Oh my god thank you, thank you!" He grabbed me and gave me this huge hug - kind of a long hug, too. He was expressing disbelief but I don’t remember exactly what he said, I was more taken aback because a stranger was hugging me hard.
"I don’t get it. You don’t understand! I just got this phone a month ago and I lost it in New York and I had to pay for it, and now I just got this one two weeks ago, and I would have had to pay for it all over again because it’s T-mobile and they don’t care about you."
"I know," I agreed.
"But this doesn’t happen! I don’t understand!," he insisted in disbelief, "I don’t believe this is happening, this doesn’t happen anymore!"
At this point he kneeled down and grabbed my hand, and people passing by us were stopping with smiles to watch this really happy but confused man kneeling before me.
"This means so much to me!" he kissed my hand, "You don’t even know, no one is nice anymore, no one does thing like this! There’s no good people in the world anymore!"
"Well…I’m here." I said
"Oh bless you, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you" He got up and bowed to my hand again."
"Of course," I nodded and walked away.
Last time I did good deeds my life started getting some pretty bad times. I’m not sure if this is one of them but I guess I’ll see.
Currently in a state of being where at least once a day I’m fighting back tears. Sometimes multiple times a day. I never talk fully about it, I don’t have the time. My friends from school try to be there for me but in the end I have to wipe down my face, try to make it look like I wasn’t crying and just deal with it.
When I moved to Los Angeles I was ok at first. Then not long I realized everything I wanted to do here I wasn’t doing. I didn’t see friends. I just stayed home and my only release was wrestling - and that was fine. I love wrestling. Then school started and I found myself stuck in Los Angeles. I couldn’t really go anywhere, and on an occasional Friday I would go to the 805 only to be too tired to see friends at night. I began to feel like I didn’t have a place outside of school or wrestling. Then wrestling picked up for me, a lot. Which is good, but it’s also a lot of pressure and stress to make the drive to NorCal for bookings, or even just the pressure of bookings when you’re new in the business - they make me nervous inside because I always feel like in girls wrestling everyone is waiting for you to fail. Somewhere during training I tweaked my knee, and the culmination of the pain came to head after being thrown out of a Battle Royale and hitting my knee when I landed. Ended up going to the doc, soft tissue damage. Still aches today.
Then we were working on this huge event, and it happened to fall right next to midterms. Then we got through midterms, then I found out that Roland died. The worst was finding out via FB and hour before we got “the call.”
When I found out Roland died it hit me hard. I only knew Roland for about a year but he was one of the perks of me going to NorCal. Why I felt so close to Roland is a different blog, but the last thing he said to me was, “Next time you’re in NorCal I want to see you in the APW ring.” Sadly, the next time I was in NorCal I was in the APW ring performing in his memorial show.
We came home from NorCal and I was at Monday’s training and BAM, got a shiner during training. Not just a shiner, a huge shiner. I woke up the next morning my eye was mostly swelled shut. I got the swelling down and covered it up as much as I could (even did my eye shadow to match), but during class someone called me on it. Not only did they call me on it, they called me on it while I was standing at the front of the class and alluded to me being beaten at home in a “concerned” way. Which is bullshit, if you’re concerned then you wouldn’t do it in that manner. As if I didn’t feel like Quasimodo already.
I didn’t go to school the next day.
The next morning (Thursday) I am heading to an interview and my mom texts me that my cousin is in the hospital, and he’s in ICU in a “grave situation.” Something about his liver. My dad calls an hour later and tells me he’s doing a lot better and I get upset and tell him to tell mom NOT to text me that kind of stuff, that’s something you call for over phone. Monday, as class starts, I get a text from my dad that my cousin died. I step out of class with my friend Bella and cry on her for a few mins then wipe my face off and go to class.
I think for the first time in a long looooong time I might be experiencing some depression. I feel like every day is a struggle. I have to fight back tears. I dread going to school. I don’t want to be in Los Angeles. I don’t know if I want anything to do with this degree anymore.
I don’t feel like myself here. I feel like I’m making myself fit into this box of what I’m supposed to be. While I like some of the benefits of being here, I am struggling with the rest….like to the point where I’m not sure I want to finish this degree (and it’s only a year long degree). All I’ve learned is that I love doing creative things like making videos and advertisements, and I love art more than I remember. I spent so much time in clinical studies that those things were stripped from me, there’s no creative freedom there. But now I am making different things from my mind and it’s great….but marketing isn’t a lot of that - that is more advertising.
Ugh. I just wanna feel better.